There are all kinds of sayings for when we have burdens weighing us down.
“There’s a monkey on my back.”
“There’s a thorn in my side.”
“There’s a fly in the ointment.”
But those give away all the power in the situation to some outside force. A rambunctious monkey, a pesky thorn, a bumbling fly — when really, more often than not, the burdens we deal with are the ones that we choose; the ones we just can’t put down.
I’m talking about those heavy, emotionally cumbersome bowling balls that we carry around day-to-day. The ones that we almost always end up dropping on someone else’s foot. It’s time we talk about why we carry them, how they’re dangerous, and how to intentionally let them go.
Why We Carry Bowling Balls Around
Maybe your partner recently lost their job, and now you don’t know how you’re going to pay your bills. Maybe on your way into work you got into a fight with your mom on the phone. Maybe two of your co-workers were having a conversation, and something you overheard them talking about triggered you.
Emotional bowling balls can come from anywhere. They’re simultaneously both something everyone has to deal with, and completely unique to each of us.
We often don’t even realize we’re carrying emotional bowling balls. We’re also often unaware of the energy we’re putting out into the world and how it affects those around us. I think of young people starting their first jobs, lacking the awareness of how their energy, tone, or body language might come across in their interactions. They don’t know the power they carry — and honestly, many of us in our later chapters of life either didn’t learn this early on, or have forgotten.
I’ve been guilty of carrying emotional bowling balls myself, and I bet some of you can relate. You know that vibe you give off when you’re grumpy, overwhelmed, or stressed? It’s that energy where people instinctively think, I’m going to stay away from Quinn today.
I’m not here to contest that what you’re going through is hard. Your emotional bowling balls can throw themselves right at you out of nowhere and knock you on our butt. They can even, metaphorically, knock some of your teeth out and leave you bruised.
But it’s when we sit back up and decide to pick up that same bowling ball and lug it around with us that we get in the way of our own healing, and ultimately, our best selves. We can get used to carrying this moody baggage around. We adjust to its weight. We become, at our low points, careless and complacent about it. Sometimes, it feels easier to hold onto our emotional burdens than to confront them. We may fear what life looks like without them, or we’ve become so used to their weight that we don’t even realize they’re there.
Don’t Drop That On My Foot, Please!
People can sense the energy we exude and internalize it, assuming our moods, our shortness and rudeness, are about them. This is something we coach in the salon: when we’re physically interacting with someone, like during a scalp massage or hand treatment, our energy can be misinterpreted. It’s natural for people to assume it’s about them — if I’m grumpy, they might think I don’t want to be doing their hair. My bad energy negatively impacts their experience.
Now if I’m at an especially low point, like I mentioned before, I might simply not care. Or, even worse but also true, it might feel good to unload my emotional bowling ball off onto someone else. In that state, I could be rude to a customer service worker who is just trying to help me on the phone, or have a short temper with my kids, or be spiteful towards a stranger. No, it’s not a pleasant way to act, nor is it excusable, but it is human — we’ve simply got to learn new, better coping skills, so that we don’t get to this point.
We can all relate to the other side of the coin, too, when someone else drops their emotional bowling balls on our feet. Our amazing hospitality director at the front desk of our salon deals with this from time to time, navigating whether someone’s mood is due to our service or if it’s something unrelated entirely. And sometimes, it’s not appropriate to dig into someone’s tone or energy, so we just let it be.
Outside of the salon, another example is the restaurant industry. Picture an overwhelmed server in the middle of a dinner rush, and picture a businesswoman who’s just had a major deal fall through, but needs to sit down for a dinner alone to collect her thoughts. If these two people interact in these equally high-emotion states, what happens? Is the server going to come to the businesswoman’s table and drop his emotional bowling ball right on top of her menu? Is the businesswoman going to drop her emotional bowling ball on the hostess’ stand when they tell her it’s a 15 minute wait for a table? The only thing we know for sure is that it entirely depends on how either of those people cope with their emotional bowling balls.
How To Cope: Let’s Lose That Dead Weight
Think of all the energy we put towards holding onto things that simply do not serve us. Now think about all of the goals we could be reaching out our hands towards, if only our grips weren't so tight on our bowling balls.
Whether you’re trying to thrive in your career or be an amazing mom, we all set goals for ourselves, even if we don’t say them out loud. When I was a young mom I didn’t verbalize my goal of creating a sanctuary for my family, but that’s exactly what I was trying to do. My goal was like this sacred, special, golden ball of light that I wanted to reach out and grab. I wanted to run after it freely. Except I had these darn emotional bowling balls that my fingers were jammed into that I was holding on to for dear life.
It was time for me to gently and intentionally put those bowling balls down, and let them roll away.
Easier said than done, right?
Right now you might be where I was back then, recognizing that you’re carrying an unnecessary weight, but you don’t know how to start letting it go.
Let’s get real.
Step 1: I encourage you to open up your planner and set intentional time aside for yourself. Oh look, next Sunday the kids are at a playdate and I’m off from work, so I have two hours at home to myself.
Step 2: During your intentional time, take a seat in a quiet room on the floor (it helps to feel grounded) and pull out your journal and a pen. If you don’t have a journal already, choose a notebook that you can be intentional with.
Step 3: Write down what your stresses, worries, and trigger points are. Draw circles around each of them. These are your bowling balls. Draw them bigger if they feel bigger, smaller if they feel smaller. How much do they weigh? How long have you been carrying them?
Step 4: Read what you’ve journaled out loud to yourself. The combination of writing, drawing, and speaking about these burdens will allow you to work through some, if not many, of the emotions that you have tied to them. Repeat this process several times and see what new or recurring emotions surface.
Breathe deeply.
Step 5: When you feel an emotional plateau, try to visualize yourself slowly lowering your emotional burdens to the floor, and rolling them away.
Again, breathe deeply.
Step 6: Look in a mirror, touch the glass, and encourage yourself, I know you can do this. Tell yourself, I’m going to let go of these hurts and stresses so that I have a shot at achieving what’s important to me.
The lightness and easier access to joy on the other side of this hard work is life changing, and even better? It’s contagious! This can’t be overstated. As a parent, my kids have reaped the rewards from my emotional work. Passing on this knowledge, teaching them how to understand, visualize, and intentionally set down their own bowling balls — say they got into an argument with their friend, their teacher set boundaries for them, they’re learning to share — is a life skill they’ll carry with them for decades to come. When kids are free of those weights, their sweetness shines through. And we need to look at ourselves the same way, when we let go of our emotional burdens, we radiate that same sweetness.
The power of letting go of those burdens — oh my gosh — is transformational. It opens up space for clarity. And having clarity, of course, opens our eyes, and helps us see new paths toward success.
Whatever is holding you back right now, know that you have the power to move forward — not because of anyone else, but because of you. You hold that power within you. Whether your goal is to strengthen your marriage, pay down debt, or start a business… Just imagine ending this year lighter, without those heavy emotional bowling balls weighing you down. You have the power to free yourself from burdens that no longer serve you. The new year is coming, and with it, the chance to step into a lighter, more intentional version of yourself.
I know you can do it. I’d love to hear how this exercise works for you. Feel free to share your experience with me via an Instagram DM (you can find me @quinn.vise), and let’s support each other as we move forward together.
Love, Quinn