Not everyone's relationship with their mother is full of stereotypical "Leave It to Beaver" sweetness. And yet, when we discuss motherhood, there's an air of disappointment and confusion that these relationships are not always as they appear on TV. Some might be surprised to learn that the mother-child relationships they view from a distance are not as picture-perfect as they seem. In fact, even the strongest bonds between mothers and children can be tested by the complexities of life's unexpected twists and turns.
There's an expectation that anything related to motherhood should be met with gratitude—for being a mother and for being a child who has a mother. The complicated journey from pregnancy to surviving the first year with a newborn, then toddlers, preteens, and teens, can leave us wondering how we survived. There are also times when we might reflect on our own upbringing and the challenges our parents faced in raising us. These reflections can be both humbling and empowering, reminding us of the incredible resilience of mothers.
As mothers, we often find ourselves comparing our experiences to those of others, wondering if we're doing enough or if our struggles are unique. The truth is, every mother's journey is different, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to motherhood. We all have our own challenges, our own triumphs, and our own ways of navigating the ups and downs of this incredible role. Embrace your unique path, and know that you are not alone in this adventure.
The expectations surrounding motherhood can be overwhelming at times. Society often paints a picture of the perfect mother—one who is always patient, nurturing, and selfless. But the reality is that motherhood is messy, challenging, and sometimes downright exhausting. It's okay to admit that we don't have it all figured out, and that we're doing the best we can with what we have.
Moms Need Love Too
Underneath it all, most mothers want to be recognized for their efforts. They appreciate accolades, whether it's public acknowledgment or simply from their spouse. Those milestones, like a baby saying "mom" for the first time, are trophies that acknowledge their role and significance in someone else's life.
When parenting is complicated, such as with a child who has special needs or illnesses, a mother may look to her spouse for comfort, affirmation, and recognition of her patience and love. Words of affirmation from a spouse can help fill a mother's cup when she feels neglected or unseen.
Sometimes, the accolades come from teachers, neighbors, or daycare providers who witness the daily juggling act between careers, children, and additional responsibilities that only those in a mother's inner circle are truly aware of. However, the truth is that often, this recognition doesn't come at all.
It's important to remember that as mothers, we need to be kind to ourselves and acknowledge our own efforts. We can't always rely on others to validate our experiences or recognize our hard work. Sometimes, we need to be our own cheerleaders and celebrate the small victories that make up our motherhood journey.
The love and support we give to our children is invaluable, and it's important to remember that we deserve love and care too. Whether it comes from our partners, our friends, or ourselves, taking the time to acknowledge our own needs and feelings is crucial for our well-being and happiness.
The Mothers Behind the Wedding Smiles
This is especially true for mothers of the bride, who often look for specific recognition, even if they don't verbalize it. After working in the bridal industry for nearly 25 years, I've seen many mothers of the bride seeking gratitude for footing the bill or dealing with a "bridezilla."
Mothers of the groom also struggle to find their place during wedding celebrations. Regardless of how long their sons have been away from home, there's a significance to the title "Mother of the Groom." They may feel unsure of where they belong within the bridal party's expectations and whether they will be recognized, appreciated, or needed.
Weddings can be a time of great joy, but they can also bring up complex emotions for mothers. It's a reminder that our children are growing up and starting their own lives, and that our role in their lives is changing. It's okay to feel a mix of emotions during this time, and to acknowledge that it's not always easy to navigate these new dynamics.
As mothers, we pour so much love, time, and energy into our children's lives. Seeing them reach milestones like getting married can be bittersweet. On one hand, we're incredibly proud and happy for them. On the other hand, it's a reminder that they're no longer solely dependent on us, and that our relationship with them is evolving.
It's important to remember that even as our children grow up and start their own families, our role as mothers never truly ends. We may not be needed in the same ways we once were, but our love, guidance, and support will always be valuable to our children, no matter their age.
When Mother's Day Gets Messy
Mother's Day can be complicated for those who struggled to be a parent, perhaps due to financial difficulties or a lack of positive examples in their own upbringing. As children grow up, mothers may feel a little resentful if their children needed a particular type of love or guidance that they did not receive.
On the other hand, there are mothers who, upon having their own children, reflect on their own childhoods and make conscious choices to parent differently. They take what they learned (or didn't learn) and strive to create a more thoughtful approach to parenting in their own households.
Motherhood with boys can be particularly challenging. Many young men are not naturally inclined to send flowers or volunteer to do gardening for Mother's Day. Some mothers understand that a phone call on Sunday morning is the best they can hope for, while others may want more and feel disappointed.
The transition from having children financially and emotionally dependent on them to watching them become independent adults can be difficult for many parents. They may struggle to find their place in their adult child's life, especially if the child is focused on college, work, and romantic relationships.
New mothers may find themselves shifting their Mother's Day focus from their own mother or mother-in-law to themselves and their new bundle of joy. A once-doting daughter may now send just a card to her own mother, while a son with a new child may focus on his partner and baby, moving his mother further down his list of priorities.
It's important to remember that Mother's Day is just one day out of the year, and that our relationships with our children and our own mothers are ongoing. It's okay if the day doesn't go exactly as planned, or if we feel a mix of emotions. What matters most is the love and connection we share with our families, even if it looks different than we might have expected.
Managing Expectations and Treating Yourself
The key to navigating the complexities of Mother's Day lies in managing expectations. Rather than depending on others to meet our needs and desires, we can take the lead in creating the experience we want. This might mean ordering our own special treat or planning a self-care day using our own resources.
For those who have lost their mothers, Mother's Day can be a time for reflection and remembrance, perhaps by planting flowers or journaling. It's also an opportunity to acknowledge the growth and changes in our own parenting journey, expressing gratitude and considering how to support our children in new ways.
Women can benefit from embracing self-care and self-recognition. Looking in the mirror and acknowledging our own efforts, despite the challenges and hardships we've faced, can be empowering. We can be proud of ourselves, even if our children may never fully recognize the significance of our struggles.
It's okay to prioritize our own needs and desires, especially on a day that is meant to celebrate us. We don't have to wait for others to make us feel special or appreciated. We can take the initiative to treat ourselves and celebrate our own accomplishments, no matter how big or small they may seem.
The Many Faces of Motherhood
And let's not forget that motherhood extends beyond the person who gave birth to us or provided a roof over our heads. It can be found in the significant moments when we felt lost, and someone extended a hand of kindness and guidance. Daycare providers, aunties, and neighborhood grannies who never had children of their own can play a vital role in our lives through their grace, kindness, and willingness to share wisdom.
If you have the capacity to express gratitude to those who have made a difference in your life, whether they are your birth mother or not, I encourage you to take that step. Send an additional card or offer words of appreciation. However, if Mother's Day brings pain, know that you can do what you can and what feels comfortable without apologizing. Set the feeling free and let go of those emotional burdens of guilt or trauma.
Every year presents new opportunities to show up for ourselves and others. Let go of your past hurts and traumas, and embrace the path forward that feels right for you.
Motherhood is a unique and personal experience, and there is no one right way to be a mother. Whether you are a biological mother, an adoptive mother, a stepmother, or a mother figure to someone in your life, your love and guidance are invaluable. Don't compare yourself to others or feel like you have to fit into a certain mold. Embrace your own motherhood journey and know that you are doing the best you can.
Embracing the Beautiful Chaos of Motherhood
To all the mothers who have sacrificed so much, know that you are seen and appreciated, even if the rewards don't come in the form of grand gestures or public acknowledgments. Sometimes, the recognition must come from within, knowing that you did the best you could.
And if you are showered with flowers, chocolates, and sweetness, let it fill a piece of you—a trophy acknowledging the beautiful job you've done and the gorgeous ways in which your children, or other people's children, recognize your efforts and the gifts you've shared.
Thank you to the mothers who didn't have to be: the blended families, the neighbors who extended themselves. The essence of a mother is someone who lovingly and unapologetically gives everything she can.
Mother's Day doesn't have to be complicated, but acknowledging that it can be might help release some of the pressure. Embrace the journey, the challenges, and the triumphs, and know that your role as a mother, in whatever form it takes, is invaluable.
At the end of the day, motherhood is a beautiful, messy, and complicated journey. It's filled with ups and downs, joys and sorrows, and everything in between. But through it all, we are united by our love for our children and our desire to be the best mothers we can be.
This Mother's Day, let's celebrate all the different ways that motherhood can look. Let's honor the sacrifices, the struggles, and the triumphs that make up this incredible role. And let's remember that no matter what challenges we face, we are not alone in this journey.
To all the mothers out there, I see you, I appreciate you, and I am honored to be on this journey with you.
So whatever motherhood looks like for you, I invite you to take a moment to reflect on your own journey. What lessons have you learned, and what moments have filled your heart with love and pride? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments below, and let's celebrate the beautiful chaos of motherhood together.
🤍 Quinn