There comes a point in adulthood when you have to take a good look at your history, and evaluate how it’s influencing your present.

For me, that turning point came when I first started my business 10 years ago. I was eager to learn everything about salon ownership. One of my first consultants was fabulous, and I want to stress fabulous, and had terrific insight into the salon industry specifically, plus an abundance of knowledge about accounting, marketing, human resources, and even the particular software that we use for appointment booking within the salon. In short, I had found someone who could help me succeed as a salon owner… On paper. 

He, emphasis on the he, was fantastic. 

I, on the other hand, was incredibly problematic. 

As time passed my business grew and evolved, and I worked with all kinds of talented, hard working people. Some of them were men. Some of them were women. Within these various professional relationships, I began to notice a very serious pattern. 

If the people I was working with were women, I was able to grasp exactly what they were saying, understand what they were suggesting, and was able to put into action the input that they shared.

For example, when my corporate accountant, a man, would have conversations with me I had difficulty tracking the information he shared. I wasn't always able to digest the numbers or the advice that he would give. But when my junior accountant and bookkeeper, a woman, would consult with me I was able to follow her presentations with ease. I was very comfortably able to digest everything that she said, with no problems whatsoever. 

Let’s circle back to that fabulous consultant I mentioned. I really, really struggled to understand the concepts he shared, and found it even more difficult to follow-through with his suggestions, or to even feel confident in what I was learning and why. 

Now bear in mind that these workplace relationships did not take place on a grand stage. It wasn’t like watching a preacher from a pulpit, with 500 people in a church auditorium — nor were these scenarios set at a business conference, with a man speaking to 2000 of us packed into a conference room at a hotel. These were one on one relationships focused on lessons and learning.

When I first really took a look at this and started to notice the pattern I’m talking about here, I was ashamed. You might be trying to piece together the reasons for why this problem came knocking at my door, just like I was back then. Is it because of my Enneagram type? Or perhaps this is a sign of some childhood trauma? I don't know, we could try out all kinds of labels — depending on who you're talking to, there’s probably all kinds of unexpected explanations to suggest, right? 

Seeking answers myself, in my soul searching I turned to the man in my life who is my north star for guidance. For those of you that don't know, my spouse is both my constant counterpoint and a very manly man. Whether it's my business ideas or parenting, I am always able to have meaningful discussions with him that shed new light. I also give credit to him for helping me strive to be smart as a whip, because he does question what I say and what I do. I have to be on my A-game, and that’s one of the things that attracted me to him; the fact that he pushed me to be smarter, to be analytical, and to question myself. So needless to say, he gets a lot of credit for making me strive to become smarter — street smart and intellectually smart. 

Now of course, when comparing your spouse who is a man to a colleague who is a man, as far as who you can communicate with more easily, there’s going to be a heck of a lot more trust between you and your spouse. Which is exactly why I turned to my spouse to ask what his thoughts were about this roadblock I was experiencing with the men in my professional life. 

I confided in him by saying, essentially, “what am I going to do? I'm noticing that I don’t learn well from men. I want to be able to learn from them, and I’ve tried a number of times, but I don't know how to fix myself. Is there something I can do? How do I fix myself?” 

Now this is going to be controversial, his response to me, and yet at the time it made perfect sense. He told me my own story from another perspective. 

He asked me to picture an imaginary accounting firm. This firm is bustling with activity, they’re doing great business, and are quite successful. The employees at this imaginary firm are all male, and are all functioning within the same office seamlessly. One day, the owner of the accounting firm recognized that they needed to hire some consulting professionals to take their accounting firm to the next level. 

So the owner did just that. The gentleman hired a consultant named Sam. The following week a lovely woman walks through the door of that accounting firm, and her name is Sam — short for Samantha. The fellas in the office took note. The owner realized very quickly that Sam was not going to work out for them. Yes, Sam was intelligent, articulate, and on time, but the owner who managed all his male accountants knew this was not going to work. 

So what did he do? Simple. He called the consulting firm and let them know this isn't the right fit, to please send somebody else, namely, a male consultant. In short order, the owner got what he wanted, and the accounting firm got exactly what they needed: a male consultant. 

Now ask yourself this, did the owner go home losing sleep, feeling ashamed of himself for making that call? No, he didn't. He didn't feel bad. He didn't feel that his decision was shameful. He recognized that his male accountants, including himself, for better or worse would be able to learn more easily from a male consultant. This imaginary owner had no qualms or second guesses if he was supposedly doing the right thing. In his mind, he had nipped the problem right in the bud.

Like I said, controversial. 

And I can just imagine, as you’re reading this, that you’re thinking through all kinds of angles. All these male accountants must have wives, mothers, sisters, or daughters, right? And who's this owner guy, anyway? You can't tell me he hasn't worked with women before. How long did Sam even get to stay? How far in the door did she actually get? Was she able to impart any of her intellect and recommendations? How soon was she supposedly fired and swapped out for somebody else?

All of those questions are legitimate, and I can go there with you wondering all of the same things, but again, this is a hypothetical story that my spouse used to try and teach me a lesson. 

The lesson being this: you are paying money for this service. Let that reminder sit with you for a moment. When it comes to hiring a consultant, or someone to otherwise provide their services to you, you are holding the chips. You get to decide what works best for you.

When you find that you have difficulties learning from a particular gender you cannot, in a good business sense, question yourself when you see the writing on the wall. And thanks to my spouse, I finally saw it. The irony being, of course, that a man was the one who helped me learn that it’s OK to say that I don’t learn well from men.

Why is this entire blog about genders? I know, it seems so silly, but here's the thing, when you recognize something about yourself, you have to accept it in order to move forward. You have to look at it for what it is. And I did. I looked at it really carefully. For so long, in fact, that I put myself into a spiral of shame. Now maybe that makes me look shallow, or paints me like an idiot, or hints that I have hang ups. 

Believe me, I'm looking for the hang ups. They're not there. But if I had to pin something down as an explanation, what it comes down to is that when I started my business, I did not have a history of working with or receiving instruction from men. 

I have grown up primarily with women throughout my entire life. Yes, I've had a male teacher here and there, my stepfather that I had grown up with is a lovely fella, but I have primarily been surrounded by women. And at that time, in that make-it-or-break-it phase of my life, with my young family’s livelihood on the line, I needed to make adjustments so that I could learn well and take action. I needed to accept who I was, and be decisive. Even if the fabulous consultant who I mentioned before had been a woman, and she was a barracuda who breathed fire, I probably still could have understood the lessons that she would have shared, because that’s what my history tells me.

Was I trying to hurt men in business? No. 

Was I trying to disrespect the fabulous male consultant by moving on? Absolutely not. 

Will this hold me back my entire entrepreneurial journey? Honestly, I don't think so. 

It was a moment in time. I was a new business owner. And yes, I've since grown in many, many ways that I could never have dreamed possible, and many of the lessons that I've learned over these 10 years have been incredibly difficult and painful. I had to learn them anyway. But this particularly confusing lesson centered around me needing to accept that my preference for learning from women was a part of me — not because I was judgmental of another gender, not because I was trying to find fault, but simply because of where I came from, and who nurtured me the way I needed, when I needed it.

I have forgiven myself for what some might call being naive, and maybe even ridiculous, but I've also taken my husband's advice that when men learn a particular way, they don't mince the words. They just accept what is and they move on. 

So ultimately, what's the point of all this? I want to share with you that self awareness can provide the sign posts you need to guide you toward learning and working more effectively. Maybe that is in your own career, whether you are in a dental office, working as a business owner, or in a school as a teacher. Maybe for you that goes beyond simply your professional life, and into your role as a parent. Everyone has their own story, but when my own money was on the line, and I was paying for services I needed, I learned that I had to be decisive about how I learn best.

We can go ‘round and ‘round the table, but as a send off, I’ll put it into another perspective. Your child's tutor. Who would you prefer? I bet for those of us who are mothers, we might look at it a little bit differently — but whatever the reason is, I encourage all of you when you are learning new things to be honest with yourself. Maybe it's a male trainer at the gym versus a female trainer. Maybe it is a female gynecologist versus a male gynecologist. I'm wondering if there’s some head nodding out there, or a few of you thinking “oh, okay, from that perspective, I guess I can start to understand.”

I also wonder if any of you are even too afraid to admit these things? I’d wager a bet that some of you have experienced pieces of my story within your own, but somehow in society, somewhere along the way, we've been shamed. Shame from others, and you’ve probably, like me, shamed yourself silently, for recognizing that learning from men just didn’t click for you. Maybe you were able to just glean the fact that it was just a teacher in particular that you didn't learn well from. Perhaps growing up you noted that your 10th grade math teacher was better than the 9th grade math teacher, and you didn't differentiate between the genders. But if you’re noticing a pattern and questioning yourself, this is something to take a look at. Be honest with yourself, only you can answer if it's you just being absolutely ridiculous and biased. 

Or… If it's simply how you learn. 

I'm cheering you on to explore and discover these insights about yourself, even if while reading this you simply gained confirmation that you hold a very different viewpoint — in which case, underlining and gaining further confidence in that facet of yourself has value! Do the journaling, do the voice memos, have some conversations with yourself. So many of us are taking the bull by the horns by having therapy sessions. Discuss this with your therapist, start a dialogue about how you learn best (even better if you’re proactive and figure this out before money is on the line) and you might be amazed at how many insights take root. 

I would love your feedback on this. Have you ever experienced this level of self awareness? Maybe you have. Maybe you haven't. Or, maybe you're rethinking and remembering a time that resonates with this discussion. My purpose here is to share what I've learned, impart my wisdom, showcase my failures, discuss my passes, and give you my wins. But at the end of the day, my aim is just to encourage you. I hope you get to where your deepest desires want to go. 

I'm cheering you on, always.

🤍 Quinn