Stubborn. 

That has been an overall theme throughout my entire life. Not pretty. Not “oh, she's so super kind.” Stubborn.

I used to feel ashamed of being described that way, as though I needed to change myself, or I needed to adapt to the ideas of others more often. But not anymore. When I think of entrepreneurship or business, when I think of the difficulties of family life, that stubbornness has been my greatest asset. Period. 

What’s more, I've recognized that so-called stubbornness in my own children as well, and I look at it with great admiration. In a world where we are often encouraged to be something else, I've watched my kids flourish when digging their heels into the ground for what they believed or what they felt was right for them. I can't fault that. I can't look at that and say they're a disappointment because of that trait. 

Do any of you have children that you would consider incredibly stubborn? When I talk about modern motherhood with my guests at the salon, or just friends in general, I often hear sweet moms talk about their toddlers not listening. I find myself pointing out that that stubbornness is a trait that might save them down the road, whether that's on a first date or when there’s peer pressure around them, that stubbornness can keep them from saying yes when they authentically want to say no. That stubbornness can help them create art the way they feel is natural to them, when a teacher encourages your child to create art in a different way. That child might make something magnificent that is fresh and new.

That same kind of stubbornness served me well when I was a teenager when I was offered alcohol, but stubbornly refused. I still hung out with my friends, but I did it in my own way. Now don't give me any accolades for that, it’s just simply the way that I’m wired.

In business, when faced with my husband getting creative and having to choose a support role at home (due to his immigration status from Australia), I had to find a way to provide not only for my salon employees, but for my family, as well. Just like how when Covid came around, I didn’t know how I was going to make it through. With the salon closed for everyone’s safety, I applied for factory work, I was considering all kinds of solutions, and eventually I signed up to be a Shipt grocery shopper. I had to learn how to maximize my work in an app that I was totally unfamiliar with! The first three or four days were horrible, and it felt like I was working my butt off only to earn pennies and nickels. But that stubbornness in me just wouldn’t quit, and once I pushed through and cracked the code, I was making $3,000 a week.

Back when I was in the middle of this hustle, a news outlet did a story about me. The salon owner turned Shipt shopper who was busting her butt to keep her business and family afloat. I’m happy to report that I don’t remember any specific comments, but suffice to say that the general reaction from people about my story was not positive. There was a lot of hate. Why exactly I became the target, I’m not sure. We’ll have to chalk it up to it being a hard time for the world in general. I kept my head down, and kept on grinding. I remember one sweet grocery store employee saying that she was feeling sorry for me for the negativity that had come back at me. That was so kind of her. Ultimately, my goal and my hope was to be able to pay bills and ride “this whole Covid thing” out. I’m proud to say that I was able to stick to my guns. 

So really, my stubbornness paid my bills.

The other word I’ve heard used to describe me all my life?

Intimidating.

I've been told all my life that I’m intimidating, and for the most part, I don't quite know how to take that. Even now it still brings me to question: Should I change myself? How should I change my behavior? How should I change who I am so that I'm not intimidating? 

Even as I am working on this blog, I have to fight off the sheepishness and shame that comes with admitting that. To me, anyway, it's most certainly not complimentary to be called intimidating.

The real question I should be (and am) most curious about, though, is: Why do people find me intimidating?

1. I'm an Enneagram 5, meaning that I am constantly researching and am endlessly curious. You might have been able to tell that from all the questions above. People who ask questions tend to not only draw attention to themselves, but get answers! My questions are usually pointed, because I truly see people. Not in a way of calling them out, but rather truly seeing the authenticity in them, and wanting to see more of that truth, which may or may not cause them to be put into a state of vulnerability. Having all the answers (or at least always aiming to) in this way can be intimidating.
2. When it comes to my feelings, I'm just a straight shooter. I wear my heart on my sleeve a bit. Leading with such honesty can be intimidating. So if I find myself disappointed at someone or a situation, and I share those feelings, I may intimidate some with my frankness. 

Even though I feel somewhat sheepish about those traits in my personal life, my curiosity and frankness have served me well professionally. When having conversations with bankers or rooms full of men, or when I've been counted out and left behind, that intimidating side of me helps me create a seat for myself at the table. 

So perhaps you, the one reading this, are searching for your own way to make a seat at the table. Maybe you’re reflecting on all the words that have been said about you through the years. 

My advice? Reframe the shame.

Look at your stubbornness, your intimidating presence, or whatever follows you around through a new lens. 

Maybe when you decided to read this blog, you thought I was going to say something about physical attractiveness or some kind of attaboy trait, but I wanted to get real. I want us all to see that it's okay to be seen for these seemingly unattractive traits, and to learn how they can serve our lives in really beautiful, unique ways. And when it comes to modern motherhood, learning to reframe these traits in yourself can help you see them differently in your kiddos, too. And alright, maybe that stubbornness in them isn’t the greatest when they’re refusing to clean their room, but you’ve just got to change your approach. (Or my suggestion, you have to find a different carrot to dangle.)

The Lord gave me these traits, and they have served me well. Thank you for reading if you've made it this far, and thanks for coming along on this journey of self discovery. The self forgiveness we’re talking about here isn’t easy, but paving a brighter way forward not just for ourselves, but for our modern motherhood is so worth it. Embracing this life that we have, the gift of raising our children for their future communities, and taking that seriously is such a privilege. 

Now then, I'm taking my intimidating self back to my office to work on some new projects that I can't wait to share with you in the future. And in my intimidation (wink wink) I am cheering you on, relentlessly.

Love, Quinn