It's not about you, boo.

Except that it kind of is… Just not in the way you might think!

Here, I’ll let you in on the plot twist. Judgment and skepticism don’t become part of our personalities out of nowhere, they’re qualities that are fed by our own unresolved issues. 

How do I know?

Well, reflecting on my 25 years in the beauty industry as salon owner and stylist, caring for people of all ages, I've noticed something profound. Many women feel uncomfortable looking in the mirror. They lean in, tugging at their jawlines, eyes, or eyelids, often unaware of how much they’re criticizing themselves.

Believe me, I get it, the salon chair is a transformative space where we can meet new and exciting versions of ourselves. It is, of course, also a space where we’re made to confront the “before” side of that coin. 

I feel honored that the women in my chair feel comfortable enough to be vulnerable. They’re in a safe space where they can be themselves, even if that means critiquing their appearance. When a client is subtly — or not so subtly — self-critical as soon as they take a seat, what often follows is a barrage of questions: 

“Is that the right length?” 

“Should I get bangs?”

“Should I let my bangs grow out?”

“Wait! What about curtain bangs?”

“Maybe I should reconsider the color we decided on.” 

“Are you sure that you know what you’re doing?”

This kind of client’s self-doubt translates into them questioning my skills, pushing me to wonder if I’m the right person for the job. As times have changed, this butterfly effect of insecurity has only intensified. It’s a broken record at this point, but social media only compounds this problem. We’re constantly bombarded with unrealistic beauty standards, making us question our weight, our shape, and our appearance. Working all day in front of a mirror, I see firsthand how these pressures erode self-esteem and confidence. The scenario above perfectly illustrates how someone’s insecurities can manifest as skepticism toward others. 

I personally have learned to preempt self-criticism wherever I can by prioritizing my own self-care. As a mom, business owner, wife, and also my own worst critic I’m constantly being pulled in different directions. There are so many people in my life who I want to care for and pour myself into. I can’t do that sustainably or well if I haven’t taken care of myself first. 

For instance, it isn’t just my kids who should be going in for regular haircuts, I have to make time for myself to have those self-care maintenance moments, too! I’m also the one who has to consciously decide to care for my body by lovingly exercising it. My physical health has always been central to my life because I've seen how neglecting them can devastate a woman's self-worth. And don’t forget, I’m also the one who has to set aside time in the evenings to journal so that I can work through those hard mental questions that are plaguing me throughout the day. I have to carve out that meditative time, so that I don’t carry that weight around with me.

Having lived through divorce, financial struggles, and building numerous businesses from the ground up, I speak about making these changes from a place of experience. I’ve learned that self-care isn’t selfish — it’s essential; actually non-negotiable. Sometimes, we need role models to show us how to navigate these challenges. I’ve been fortunate to have incredible women in my life who have exemplified grace, tenacity, and intelligence. These women poured into me, and now I want to do the same for others. My employees are your daughters, sisters, mothers, and friends. I take my responsibility as a leader seriously, recognizing that when my cup is empty, I’m no good to anyone. I've felt the burnout and learned to step back, reflect, and refill my cup.

What happens when those around us don’t prioritize their self-care?

The saying “hurt people hurt people” rings true. When we’re running on empty, we can’t interact meaningfully with others. Our metaphorical cup must be full to give and receive love, grace, and the simple joys of life. In the beauty industry, we care for hurt people daily. When someone lashes out — like a client upset about the previously agreed on price of a haircut — I remind my team that it’s not about them. It’s about the client's own unresolved issues. We extend grace, trying to remember that their pain is not personal.

I’ll be vulnerable with you. When my family was going through a difficult time, I couldn’t see how my empty cup made me an inadequate boss. I was in survival mode, unable to appreciate the good around me. Looking back, I now understand why some employees left. I wasn’t capable of leading effectively. But from that place of hurt, I’ve gained empathy — both for myself and for others who are struggling.

I encourage you, friends, to be brave and introspective. Recognize when your ego needs to quiet down and when your cup needs refilling. Judgment often reflects inner struggles. 

“It’s not about you, boo,” means that if someone is lashing out, chances are it’s not about you.

It is about you, boo, when you recognize you need to care for yourself first, so that you can lead your life from a healed, warm, and generous state of mind.

As I approach 50, I've found more grace and self-awareness. I extend this grace to others, but first and foremost to myself. There are days when everything feels like an emergency, but I know I have to care for myself first. Just like they say on airplanes, “put your own oxygen mask on so that you can then help others.” 

We all have our struggles, but we must face them head-on. Ignoring them only allows them to fester in the shadows. By bringing them into the light, we can begin to care for ourselves, and with consistency, we can begin to heal.

Signing off here with courage and hope for this back-to-school season. I wish you well. Enjoy this sweet September, and all the new phases of life that it brings.

Love,  

Quinn